Life is not perfect.
We all face battles on a daily basis, but sometimes those battles just get the better of us and that's when we need to reach out to those around us.
If someone is holding out their hand and you can see they are struggling to deal with their demons alone, please don't leave them grasping at nothing.
For over two months now I have been fighting chronic pain, collapsing in agony, frequent hospital visits, swallowing more pain killers than any person should be capable of functioning on and all with little result.
After being rushed to a specialist, following yet another collapse I was raced in for emergency surgery to find out what was going on and how to fix it. I was told to be prepared that I may need a hysterectomy whilst undergoing the procedure.
Anyone who knows me, would know how frightening and emotionally traumatic this was for me.
That was last week.
I woke up in agony. The procedure was unsuccessful due to other complications and the surgery had to be abandoned. I have been placed on an emergency waiting list to try again at another hospital with more advanced technology as soon as I have healed. At this stage I have been advised I will require at least two surgeries, the first within the next few weeks and another sometime in the first half of 2017.
The specialist has suspicions that I may have a chronic ongoing condition which can only be treated with painkillers but I will need to undergo the upcoming procedure to confirm his suspicions.
I have been placed on high doses of morphine and prodeine forte to get me through and told I am not to drive, lift anything, or do anything to increase my risk of having an epileptic seizure.
I am experiencing horrific nightmares every night, apparently a common side effect of the pain killers I am on.
I am still frightened of losing my last chance to have a baby.
I am unable to undergo hormonal treatment in the meantime resulting in a weight gain of 30 kilos and my hormones are so out of whack I am battling severe mood swings and emotional stress daily!!
There is nothing I can do about any of it, except hold on for dear life and hope I make it out the other side of this okay.
All this has been a terrible burden, not only for me, but for the people around me. I have tried my best to keep things as normal as I can, but that is impossible and I have not done a very good job of it.
After 11 traumatic weeks of this unbearable stress, impossible lifestyle and incredible pain, I am now sitting here writing this with only my parents remaining supportive. But there is only so much they can do too.
They have a home and lives to go back to (over 500 kilometers away) no one can put their life on hold for such a long period of time (unless, like me, they have no choice).
My relationship has finally crumbled under the pressure, along with a few friendships that I thought would stand the test of time.
I am broke, after medical costs of over $8,000 and am unable to even pay my rent next week unless I miraculously find a suitable house mate in the next seven days, I could face losing my home on top of all my other problems and stresses that I am trying so hard to cope with.
I have just come back home from the doctor, who teared up over the situation I am in and the pain I am dealing with, because she is unable to lessen this struggle for me sooner. Her kind words were “I know it seems impossible, but all I can say is soldier on, be brave and take it one day at a time. The people who really love you will still be there when this is over”, as she gave me a light hug, careful not to squeeze too hard and cause more pain.
I try really hard not to reach out to people and usually try to confront my battles head on, but I can’t do it anymore. Not this time. I’m stuck at home unable to drive and cant even go for a walk as I’m unable to hold the harness of my medical assistance dog.
This time I am reaching out and asking for some understanding, support and patience because I have reached my limit and I am truly at my breaking point.